The Serulian

I do not remember when it started. Perhaps it began at the age of seventeen, when I gave my high school valedictorian speech in front of three hundred people. Or when I had the lead role in a sixth-grade play.  All I can remember of those events are the myriad of people watching me! 

It pains me greatly to be stared at. By anyone. Acquaintances and strangers alike. It produces intense nausea and panic. My heart begins to race, and I break out into a sweat. I feel like I’m going to die.

It’s grown much worse over the years. DON’T LOOK AT ME!

I can’t stand having my shrink watch me. During our sessions, I insist that she gaze elsewhere in the room. Desensitization therapy isn’t helping. Nothing has. I fear that I will never be cured of this scopophobia. 

One day, I decided that people wouldn’t want to look at me if my appearance was grotesque.  (I was once a very handsome man.) In a fit of anger, I attacked my face with a straight razor; transmogrifying it, slicing at it repeatedly, making deep gashes and wounds—wounds that left horrific scars that would never heal.

That will teach them! I thought. They will be forever repulsed at the sight of me. 

Although I pride myself on being an educated person, apparently I understand little about human nature. You see, my new ugliness didn’t repel anyone; instead, it attracted their stares even more. Now they stare at me with pity. With morbid curiosity. With intense fascination. My plan failed miserably!

Life is no longer worth living. How I end it is of no consequence. An overdose of sleeping pills. Asphyxiation by hanging. A gunshot wound to the head—no, no doubt that would result in even more scrutiny. (Yes, I fear even postmortem stares!)

The one thing I can and must control is the public viewing at my funeral. 

I’ve left explicit instructions. Closed casket only.

Phillip Temples is a product of the midwestern United States but has lived in the greater Boston area for many decades. He’s published a number mystery-thriller novels, a novella, and four story anthologies in addition to over 220 short stories. Phil likes to dabble in mobile photography. He is a member of GrubStreet and the Bagel Bards. You can learn more about Phil by visiting his website at https://temples.com. His Twitter handle is: @PhilTemples.